All I Ever Had
by Navarra
Summary: FrodoSam Songfic. Frodo is about to depart from the Grey Havens, but can he leave everything he knows and loves behind? Slash, a bit AU.


**A/N: **Hola chicas! And perhaps chicos but seriously, I've only ever seen like one boy on ff.net. I know that I'm already working on another fic but I really wanted to write this one, just had to get some ideas out of my head. It'll help along the other one in the long run, promise. And the other one's not getting much attention anyways, so maybe if some people read this and like it, and then go check out my other work....it'll be good! Anyway this is a Songfic for Frodo and Sam, those silly hobbits.

**Warning: **Slash! If you dunno what it is, it's basically men loving.....dun dun dun....OTHER MEN! Ahh! Scream! Run away! And even worse, it's two of your favie characters from a book! Oh no! But seriously, if any of this makes you want to shudder in disgust, don't continue. Also AU. Based on the books, but in this story Sam doesn't go with Frodo to see him off at the Grey Havens.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own characters or plot from The Lord of the Rings, that all belongs to one very special J.R.R. Tolkien. The song I used, "Caledonia," is Dougie Maclean's.

**About the Song: **In reality, this song is all about a place called Caledonia, wherever that is. But for my intensive purposed I needed the song to be about Sam, or nothing in particular. So I changed the word "Caledonia" to "you" or something similar. Sorry, Dougie.

**// Song//**

'Thoughts'

.: ALL I EVER HAD :.

Frodo looked out at the sea, sparkling in the sunlight with the allure of a thousand diamonds, the deepest blue-green he had ever seen. He could see a ship; grand and luminous, with the usual effulgence of any craft made by the elves. The sky was cloudless and the gulls called in friendly voices overhead. The sea was not a place many hobbits were given the chance to visit, and Frodo should have been mesmerized by the view. But, somehow, his mind dwelt elsewhere.

His thoughts were with the Shire. For as he stood here, in the Grey Havens, he could not help but remember the beautiful country he was about to leave behind. The Shire's rolling hills, thick grass and neighborly atmosphere were what he had grown up with. He wondered if he really had the strength to leave that all behind, even if he did feel that he had not been living a full life there. 

**// I don't know if you can see**

**The changes that have come over me**

**These last few days I've been afraid**

**That I might drift away//**

Then there were his four greatest friends. Could he really leave them behind as well? Merry, Pippin, and Sam had been through so much with himÐespecially Sam. Sam, his gardener, his trustworthy companion, his loving comrade. Sam, who had filled his life with cheer and light from the moment he met him. Sam, who was now happily married to Rosie Cotton.

A tear fell from Frodo's eye as he thought about Rosie and Sam sitting cheerfully at the table, eating supper, perhaps sitting and having tea afterwards. They would put little Elanor to bed together, go back to sit on the couch and watch the fire burn down, and Sam would put his arm around Rosie's shoulder. They would turn to each other, smiling, and Sam would lean in...

Frodo shut his eyes tightly and shook his head to get the images out of his mind. He didn't want to think of that, he never wanted to think of them ever again. Well, he never wanted to think of Rosie again.

**// So I've been telling old stories, singing songs**

**That make me think about where I come from**

**And that's the reasons why I seem**

**So far away today//**

Sam had been there with him until the very end, the destruction of the Ring. And at that moment he had told Sam, "I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam". But Sam hadn't known how glad, hadn't known the depth of Frodo's meaning, and he had only smiled and looked away into the distance. And when Frodo had awoken the next day, he remembered nothing, for a while, but he saw Sam. And still Sam did not know. When they had taken back the Shire, and all was well again, and Sam married Miss Rosie Cotton in the Spring of 1420, Frodo had sat quietly in the back and watched. And afterward, he went out to the place where the Party Tree had used to stand, and wept until the night came and swallowed all the lights. And still, Sam did not know.

And it seemed that he would never know, now. For Sam stayed in the Shire while Frodo left Middle Earth with Gandalf, and Elrond, and all the other elves that would follow C'rdan the Shipwright across the High Seas.

Gandalf motioned to Frodo that he should come aboard. Frodo hesitated, then lurched forward, and then stopped suddenly. Memories of hundreds of moments in time spent with Sam rushed into his head, one after the other, crowding his mind. He stood in one place, looking at the ship and the seas. It was completely quiet, except for the gulls. Frodo wanted more time; in fact he desperately needed it. But instead he had this moment, this second in all the ages, and he knew what to do with it.

**// So let me tell you that I love you,**

**That I think about you all the time.**

** Oh, you're calling,**

**And now I'm going home//**

Frodo looked at Gandalf with pleading eyes. The old wizard's grey ones looked back, cold and wise. His long hair blew in the wind as he searched Frodo's face. The tall figure and the short one faced each other for what seemed like hours until Gandalf slowly nodded. Frodo stared back, his eyes filling with tears at the thought of leaving this old friend. But he nodded as well, slowly turned and walked from the ship.

The other elves looked slightly concerned but not surprised. They were surprised by very little, and in any case, all had seen Frodo's glances at Sam, the pain in his eyes, and his tears. C'rdan the Shipwright drew up the sails, and they caught the wind, and slowly the ship began to sail slowly out of the Havens.

Frodo ran to his horse and leapt up onto it, very skilled with horses after the long journey he had had to make, a long time ago, from Minas Tirith to his home. The place where he was going now.

**// If I should become a stranger,**

**You know that it would make me more than sad.**

**You've been everything I ever had//**

Frodo pushed the horse as fast as he would go, through the forest which was getting darker by the minute. A few small twigs whipped his face, but he hardly noticed. The forest loomed menacingly on both sides of his path. Frodo listened to the horse's hoofbeats and concentrated on getting back to the Shire as fast as he could.

He thought of Sam and his heart ached. He had to tell him, somehow, this he knew. He could never go on without Sam, especially if Sam didn't even know how he felt. Frodo had no idea how he would tell him, how Sam would react. And of course, weaving its way periodically into his thoughts, there was always the problem of Rosie Cotton. He pushed this to the back of his mind and thought only of getting to the Shire, and his Sam.

**// Now I have moved and I've kept on moving,**

**Proved the points that needed proving,**

**Lost the friends that needed losing,**

**Found others on the way//**

Suddenly the path ran out of the forest and into some dark hills. He raced across these, coming to one last ridge before seeing the lights of the Shire out in front of him. The day was becoming night, in fact it must have already been past sunset. Frodo sped down the hills into a field, speeding into the town and turning right onto one of the roads, heading for Bywater, and he went on.

Frodo came to the house and stopped. There was light inside, meaning that Sam and Rosie were still awake, and possibly eating supper. He hesitated, unsure whether he should go in. He dismounted and walked to the door, pausing again. Instead of knocking, he waitedÐfor what, he did not know.

**// I have kissed the ladies and left them crying,**

**Stolen dreams, yes there's no denying//**

But the time seemed right. He knew he had to tell Sam, and to do that he had to get him away, as far away as possible. He knocked.

Frodo heard footsteps inside, and saw the door begin to open. A woman's face came into view, Rosie's face, friendly and smiling. But when she saw Frodo, her smile quickly turned to an expression of astonishment.

"Frodo?" was all she could gasp out.

"It is, Rosie. I've returned." replied Frodo.

"But why?"

"May I come in, please, Miss Cotton?" Frodo asked.

"Certainly!" Rosie breathed, and she opened the door wider to make way for Frodo. He stepped inside and immediately his eyes were drawn to Sam.

**//I have traveled hard with conscious flying**

**Somewhere in the wind//**

"Sam," he said breathlessly.

"Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, eyes growing wide.

"It's me Sam. I've come back," Frodo answered.

Sam stood, obviously at a loss for words. He mumbled a few things, but nothing that was an understandable sentence. Frodo turned to Rosie.

"Would you mind if I borrowed Sam for a minute, Rosie? There are a few things we need to discuss," said Frodo. 'One, in particular,' he thought.

"Of course, Frodo," said Rosie, too shocked to disagree or even ask why.

Frodo looked to Sam and smiled. He motioned for him to follow him outside, and Frodo left the house. 

**// Oh, let me tell you that I love you,**

**And I think about you all the time//**

After a few seconds, Sam followed, now wearing his old, beat-up coat. Frodo smiled again, and Sam did so as well, though in a confused way. The two started to walk side by side up to the Hill, as though by some unspoken agreement. They walked side by side, in silence, up to the top of the Hill, where they stopped and looked down on Hobbiton. Frodo sat, and Sam did so as well, following Frodo's lead. Finally Frodo spoke.

"It's so beautiful, isn't it, Sam? The Shire, and all?"

"Indeed it is, Mr. Frodo. It's come a long way since we came here back in 1419," Sam replied solemnly, looking out at the lights of Hobbiton.

Frodo looked at Sam for a moment, and saw that Sam still looked very bewildered, but also peaceful. Frodo smiled again, because for the first time in a long while he was very happy. He wished that they could stay this way forever, sitting side by side, silently, unknowing. He turned back to the view, not knowing what to say, but enjoying the peace.

**// Oh, you're calling,**

**And now I'm going home//**

Sam broke the silence.

"Mr. Frodo, I don't mean to be rude, but what'd you come back for? Why'd you bring me up here? I mean, it's very nice and all, but there must be some reason better than you wanted to bring your old gardener up for a bit of a look around..." he trailed off, uncertain if he had said the right thing.

Frodo sighed sadly, and looked again at Sam. Sam looked confused still, but there was something else...perhaps he looked a little bit hopeful? Frodo decided it was his imagination, that his face was the one looking hopeful here.

"You're right, Sam, of course. There is something I came back for..." Frodo trailed off as well, not wanting to go any further, but Sam pushed him.

"Then what is it, Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo sighed again and turned away, looking again into the distance. He could never do it. He wondered why he had come back in the first place, he knew he would never be able to tell Sam what he felt. He looked again at Sam and his heart yearned to just reach out and touch that face, those thick brown curls, his lips.

"I couldn't leave, Sam."

"But you weren't happy in the Shire, Mr. Frodo."

**// If I should become a stranger,**

**You know that it would make me more than sad//**

"Oh, Sam, don't you know why I was unhappy? Didn't you ever realize..." Frodo stopped himself again, turning away.

"Realize what, Mr. Frodo?" Sam said patiently.

Frodo rested his head on his knees and thought. He closed his eyes. He thought about Sam next to him, waiting. He thought about the feelings that he had kept stored up for so long. Then he realized: he was never going to be able to do this with words. How could he tell him what he meant, how could he choose the right things to say to make him understand? He had to do this with an action.

Frodo turned and looked Sam directly in the face, and suddenly all the guilt and doubt, all the barriers he had built in his mind were washed away. He leaned in and kissed Sam, a modest kiss, restrained and chaste. At that moment Frodo could not ask for anything more and he longed to deepen the kiss, to pull Sam into it and stay forever, but instead he pulled away and looked Sam in the face.

Sam's expression was one of absolute shock. He looked stunned and, worst of all it seemed to Frodo, frightened.

Frodo moved away quickly and stuttered.

"Oh Sam, I'm sorry, so sorry, I-I'm...I just...Sam, I--"

"Mr. Frodo, wait," Sam said in a dazed whisper. Frodo stood still, and Sam came over to him. Frodo watched as he came closer, closer to him until he felt Sam's lips on his again, and he didn't see any more, he only felt Sam. The kiss was honest, safe, and lasted a little longer than the last.

"Sam," Frodo said. "You don't know...how much--"

"Shhh," Sam whispered back. "Neither do you."

**// You've been everything I ever had//**

Frodo leaned into Sam, kissing him deeply, passionately, using his tongue to beg for entrance to Sam's mouth and being eagerly admitted. Frodo could hardly control what he was doing; he had waited for this moment for so long. He moved his hands behind Sam's head, running them up and through his hair, pulling him closer. They sank down onto the grass, as close together as it was possible to be. Frodo moved his hands from Sam's hair down to his neck, and then slipped his hands inside the open front of Sam's jacket. He undid every button down Sam's shirt, and Sam let out a little moan when Frodo's hands finally touched his skin.

Neither Frodo nor Sam were satisfied with only this, however. They had already gotten so far... Frodo moved his kisses off Sam's lips and down his jawbone. He kissed his way down Sam's chest all the way to his belly button, where he paused. He kissed the sensitive skin around it, meanwhile letting his hands tackle the button on Sam's trousers. When he got them open he moved back up to Sam, looking him in the eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Sam closed his eyes, smiled and sighed, and then just nodded, apparently incapable of words.

Frodo smiled and moved back down just past Sam's chest, and then paused, resulting in another quiet moan from Sam.

'What about Rosie?' Frodo thought. He hadn't really thought about her at all so far, just as a problem without any solution. The younger hobbit didn't seem to have thought about it either. But he knew he would never be able to stop himself now.

'Rosie will get him to herself for the rest of her life,' he thought. 'Just one night...I can have one night with him....'

Frodo smiled and kissed Sam's stomach again.

'Just one night....'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

**// Now I'm sitting here before the fire,**

**The empty moon, the forest choir,**

**The flames that could not get any higher,**

**They've withered, now they've gone//**

The two lay before the fire inside. They had found the most comfortable position they could, with Frodo's head nestled into the curve of Sam's neck, and Sam's hand on the small of Frodo's back. The room was dark, in fact the whole house was. They had slipped in silently, after Rosie had fallen asleep, apparently not worried too much about Sam, as he was in the care of the responsible Frodo Baggins.

Frodo listened to Sam's breathing. He felt it, too, in his hands and chest. It was so warm here, so quiet and comfortable. He vaguely wondered what might have happened if he had told Sam earlier, but quickly pushed the thought out of his mind. If there was one thing he had learned from his travels across western Middle Earth, it was that the past could almost never be undone. He didn't think about what was going to happen next. He just listened to Sam's breathing, growing slower and slower, and his eyes became heavier and heavier. They fell asleep together, on the floor in each other's arms.

**// But I'm steady thinking my way is clear,**

**And I know what I will do tomorrow,**

**When the hands are shaken and the kisses flow,**

**Then I will disappear//**

Sam woke up before it was truly light outside. He was cold; the fire had gone out during the night. He briefly wondered where he was before remembering the night before...the Hill, Frodo...falling asleep on the floor. He called out his love's name.

"Mr. Frodo?"

But Frodo was nowhere to be seen. Sam was alone on the carpet. Frodo was no longer there.

Sam got up quickly, with tears in his eyes. He looked out the thick windows, but everything was still. He ran to the table, the usual place for a guest to leave a note--and there it was. He picked it up, slowly, and recognized Frodo's clean penmanship immediately.

Sam read, his hands shaking. After a few seconds, he dropped the small bit of paper to the floor, and walked to a chair back by the unlit fire. He dropped his face into his hands and wept, sobbed for the one he had lost only just after he had been found.

Rosie came into the room and got her second big surprise in 12 hours.

"Sam, dear, what's wrong?"

Sam turned his face slowly to hers. He looked at his wife directly, his eyes filled with grievous tears. He said nothing.

**// Oh, let me tell you that I love you**

**and I think about you all the time.**

**Oh, you're calling,**

**and now I'm going home//**

Frodo tore through the woods, putting as much space between himself and his memories as possible. Branches and thorns scraped at his ankles and face, but he noticed them very little. A few times he fell to his knees, skinning them badly, but he kept running. When he could run no more, he fell to the foot of a large tree and sobbed wildly, crumpling into the moss and dirt.

**// And if I should become a stranger,**

**Know that it would make me more than sad.**

**You've been everything I ever had//**

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gaah! Eight pages??!! Ay caramba! Sorry, didn't mean for it to go on that long. It wan't too long though, was it?

I didn't proofread this too much, so notify me about any spelling/grammar mistakes.

Ok, so didja like it? I hope it...er...suited your Frodo/Sam fluffy slash needs. If you loved it, or hated it, or thought it was middle-ish, or leaning towards liking, or any other iffy feeling, ring me up. I mean, review me...hehehe. Adios!


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